


No Light No Light

by PeachGlitch



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e09 The Returned Man, Family Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 09:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16992549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachGlitch/pseuds/PeachGlitch
Summary: Zelda could always count on Hilda to pull her back from the darkness.





	No Light No Light

Water rushes into the bath tub, the sound of it bouncing off the porcelain echoes around the candle lit bathroom. Zelda sits on the edge and watches as the hot water slowly fills, the steam from it causes her usually perfect hair to frizz slightly. 

She needs to be clean. 

To wash the events of that evening away from her skin, to start again and not dwell on her own shame. 

She doesn’t know what was more pathetic her reaction to Sabrina’s rejection or the way Hilda looked at her after discovering her in their bedroom in the midths of self mutilation. 

Either way, she needs to rid herself of it all; but most of all she needs to rid herself of what she was becoming. 

Zelda has no motivation left for anything. Her passions have dwindled into nothingness as life moves on without her. She finds herself wistful on most days, daydreaming about all she had once been and could of been. 

Now she exists only on the outskirts of her own family’s lives. Each one of them has purpose while she finds herself lacklustre and bored. 

She supposes is why she fell so easily into Faustus’s arms; anything to feel something. But even her encounters with him leave her feeling only temporarily fulfilled, then she feels empty again. She wants to wash him from her skin as well, she feels him like dirt that needs to be rubbed away from her pores. 

When the water is near the top of the tub she reaches forward to turn off the faucet and grimaces. The fresh wounds on her back stretch and pull uncomfortably and she can’t wait to soak them in the scorching water. 

She gets up to remove her clothes, and lets them pool around her bare feet until she’s completely naked. 

Not really knowing why she steps towards the small vanity mirror that’s placed above the sink. It’s fogged up because of the steam from the bath so she rubs it with her left hand. 

The reflection that greets her is somewhat distorted but does nothing to hide the truth that stares back at her. 

She may be a witch rewarded with the gift of everlasting beauty, but she knows that no amount of magic could hide the reality forever. 

She looks tired and sad; dark circles seem to have made a permanent home under her eyes and her lips are thin now that her usual lipstick has faded away. She feels like one of the corpses down in the mortuary, a shell or what she used to be; a beautiful and exhausted lie. 

Her mouth curls in disgust as she turns away to get into the bathtub. 

As she settles herself down she has to adjust herself a couple of times as the porcelain against her back makes her hiss and jerk up, until she find a position that isn’t as uncomfortable. 

She sits with her eyes closed and tries to the relax as the hot water soothes her sore muscles and scars. The lavender oil she’d poured in earlier fills her nostrils and she briefly considers adding bubbles but doesn’t move. It’s taken her this long to get comfortable that she doesn’t dare. 

She bathes and tries to ignore her intrusive thoughts. She will sit here until her skin begins to prune. The heat from the water is comforting, like a hot water bottle underneath bed covers. 

It makes her sink lower in the bath until her auburn hair disappears under the smooth water. First the lack of oxygen is simply annoying, until it becomes painful. It both engulfs her and dares her to keep her head under the water. It tightens around her windpipe and she feels her knuckles go white as they tighten around the edges of the tub above the water, stopping her from getting up for air. Her body begins to spasm and she’s briefly aware of her mouth opening as if trying to breathe but only swallowing the water instead. Despite the stinging sensation her eyes open and she watches as the lavender oils swirls around in the water with her. 

She’s transfixed until she’s unceremoniously pulled out of her dreamlike state by her arms and forced to resurface. She gasps for air and coughs out water over the side of the bathtub. Water sloshes over the side, ruining the clothes she’d discarded on the floor earlier and her eyes sting and her chest feels tight as she tries to regulate her breathing. 

She’s aware of the feeling of someone gently rubbing her scarred back but can’t even turn around to look in her frenzied state.

“What were you thinking!” She hears behind her, but her throat is sore and uncomfortable and she can’t speak, she just shakes her head. 

Once she stops coughing she finally turns around and is faced with a simultaneously grief stricken and furious Hilda.

“I wasn’t,” she simply says her voice rough and she blinks water from her eyes a couple of times. 

“You _can’t_ do that, you can’t do any of this anymore, do you understand?” Hilda says softly, her hands haven’t moved from her naked back and the sleeves of her cardigan are wet from pulling her out of the tub.

“Stop being so dramatic, I wasn’t trying to do anything,” she barks, and it’s only half a lie. 

Hilda just looks at her and ignores what she just said. 

“Why?” She simply asks.

The question has to many answers and it makes her frown, she looks at Hilda with pleading eyes, and hopes what she says next will suffice for now.

“I wasn’t trying to replace her mother, Hilda, I’d _never_ ,” she trails off and looks down, “I just love her _so_ much, ever since I held her for the first time as a baby, do you remember? I was so frightened, I never expected to care about her so much, but I can’t protect her, I failed her,” she’s sobbing now and it’s so undignified that it makes her sob even more. 

“Shh, Zeld’s, it’s okay,” Hilda whispers and pulls away a tendril of wet hair that’s stuck to her forehead, “we can’t protect Sabrina from everything, we can just be there for her,” she says and places a kiss on the top of her head. 

“But I told her not to come crying to me,” she looks up finally and feels nothing but regret, “she hates me.” 

“You and Sabrina always say things you don’t mean, you’re both more alike than you know, and I know that when she comes back it’s you she will want and you who will be waiting for her,” Hilda says cupping her cheek softly. 

“Now come on, let’s get you dried and cleaned up before she does,” she finishes with a sad smile. 

Zelda nods, shivering when the cold air hits her skin as she lets Hilda help her out of the tub and into her silk dressing gown. 

“I wasn’t really trying to harm myself, I was just,” she falters unable to even speak the words. 

Hilda doesn’t say anything just walks with her arm around her waist and leads them back to their room. 

It’s not until she’s sat on the she of her bed that Hilda replies, “You keep punishing yourself and I can’t always be there to stop you, and that scares me.” 

It’s the most serious Hilda has sounded in a while and it’s terrifying. 

“I’m sorry,” is all she can say and it sound pathetic in the grand scheme of things, but she’s tired and it’s all she can offer for now. 

“I know you are,” Hilda says, “but no more, we all need you and I can’t lose another sibling.” 

There’s a moment of silence and Zelda wants to say so much but remains silent until the silence is lifted once again by her sister. 

“Now you relax and I’ll go and find my remedies for you back and get you a nice cup of tea, there’s nothing in this world that tea won’t fix,” she says jollily, clasping her hands in front of herself and smiles warmly.

Zelda knows she’s only doing this for her but accepts with a nod and a smile none the less. It’s strange that it never occurred to her before now how everyone always considers her the strong matriarch of the family when in reality it was Hilda who held them all together; thanklessly and quietly.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the typo's weren't to horrendous, I tried my best to go over them, but I'm sure, as always I missed a few. Reviews and ideas are always welcomed though!


End file.
